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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Truth in clothing

Yesterday I got to spend some time shopping. And standing in the middle of Kohl's laughing.

I'd just happened upon a tag reading "Instant slimming effect!" on a--not naming any sizes here, and we all have our own perceptions regarding big and little, but these were definitely beyond the casually overweight size--quite large pair of jeans. And okay, sure, I understand the concept of a tummy-control panel. But from where I stand, once you reach a certain size (in all honesty, I've reached that size), nothing you wear is going to make you appear slim. I'm out to find things I can wear with the fewest bulges possible these days. Not proud of it, but neither am I going to kid myself into believing if I put on the right pair of pants, people will behold me and think, "Ohh. Look how willowy and thin she is! Like a tender reed, swaying." Barring some sort of apparatus made up of those distorted midway-mirrors and a hologram projector, nobody's eyes are going to be fooled into believing you're skinny, once you reach a certain size.

Which brings me to another trend in clothing labels. "Skinny Jeans." All too often, this is a terrible misnomer, no? Pardon my bluntness, but if the ass they're cut for is not, in fact, skinny, then the jeans style name should not include "skinny". So pretty much anything above a size 8 should have a different style name, such as "Skin Hugging High Lycra Content Jeans." Or how about, "Mostly Stretchy, Ass-Smashing Jeans." "Completely Unflattering, Tight-to-the-Ankle Jeans." Or maybe even "Denim Leggings." But for the love of Levi's, do not mislead people into thinking when they shimmy and squirm into those tight pants, they look skinny!

If clothing manufacturers really want to deliver a slimming effect, new jeans should come with a coupon for a salad. Or a copy of Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solutions book.

Autumn Piper

Got Lycra?


Sutton Fox said...

omg. rofl!! So true.

Let's not forget jeggings, another current fad. I mean, come on, a cross between jeans and leggings? Looks great on a firm twenty something. If I put them on my forty something butt, I'd leave people scarred for life!

I do own a pair of 'skinny' jeans. I think the cat is now using them to sleep on...

Stephanie said...

Well...please don't beat me, but if worn with the right things, skinny jeans and even jeggings, do look nice. And I've seen them on all body types. But you most definitely have to have the right shoes....which is usually a knee-high pair of boots.

Love all your jean names, btw!