Of course, the machine should have different modes for maximum fitness benefit:
- Warm-up -- aka Just Enough Snow Fell to Necessitate Shoveling mode -- makes you think maybe your 6-year-old is big enough for this job
- Speedwork --aka I'm So Dang Late for Work mode -- where you've gotta go for all you're worth, burning lungs included
- Strength mode -- aka The Storm from Hell Just Passed Over and Left Me a Few Hundred Acre-Feet of Superwet Snow mode -- you know, the heavy, deep stuff that makes you wonder why humans continue to live in places like Wisconsin and Minnesota
- Intervals -- aka Wasn't Freaking Snow Enough of a Curse? The Wind Had to Blow Too? mode -- simulates those marvelous snow drifts alternating with thinner bits
- Cool-down -- aka Standing Out by the Mailbox Leaning on the Shovel and Chatting with Old Mr. Peterson about his Overactive Bladder mode -- where the rivulets of sweat running from your stocking cap become runnels of ice pasted to your cheeks and damp layers chill you into a shivering mess of achey muscles
Yeah, I know. It does sound fun, doesn't it? Think of all the specialized fitness gear this sport would need... Ergonomic shovels with special squishie handles, fur-trimmed workout shorts, spangly/sparkly weight belts, hot pink fingerless gloves, and dear God, the legwarmers... think of the legwarmers!!! This idea just might save the economy if it falls into the right hands.
Have a great Thursday.