Truth in clothing

Yesterday I got to spend some time shopping. And standing in the middle of Kohl's laughing.

I'd just happened upon a tag reading "Instant slimming effect!" on a--not naming any sizes here, and we all have our own perceptions regarding big and little, but these were definitely beyond the casually overweight size--quite large pair of jeans. And okay, sure, I understand the concept of a tummy-control panel. But from where I stand, once you reach a certain size (in all honesty, I've reached that size), nothing you wear is going to make you appear slim. I'm out to find things I can wear with the fewest bulges possible these days. Not proud of it, but neither am I going to kid myself into believing if I put on the right pair of pants, people will behold me and think, "Ohh. Look how willowy and thin she is! Like a tender reed, swaying." Barring some sort of apparatus made up of those distorted midway-mirrors and a hologram projector, nobody's eyes are going to be fooled into believing you're skinny, once you reach a certain size.

Which brings me to another trend in clothing labels. "Skinny Jeans." All too often, this is a terrible misnomer, no? Pardon my bluntness, but if the ass they're cut for is not, in fact, skinny, then the jeans style name should not include "skinny". So pretty much anything above a size 8 should have a different style name, such as "Skin Hugging High Lycra Content Jeans." Or how about, "Mostly Stretchy, Ass-Smashing Jeans." "Completely Unflattering, Tight-to-the-Ankle Jeans." Or maybe even "Denim Leggings." But for the love of Levi's, do not mislead people into thinking when they shimmy and squirm into those tight pants, they look skinny!

If clothing manufacturers really want to deliver a slimming effect, new jeans should come with a coupon for a salad. Or a copy of Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solutions book.

Autumn Piper
Got Lycra?

Don't go there.

Inside every one of us is a certain "code"--a mental list of rights and wrongs. Of course this list is different for everybody, but when you see or hear something you feel is wrong, there's no doubt about it.

In literature, I understand what somebody feels is morally wrong might be okay fodder for someone else to include in a story. Heck, I wrote 2 books about women whose husbands had cheated, and each of them reacted differently in response. Even the one who didn't retaliate (though she yearned to) offended a few old biddies in a certain writing group. Well, whatever. My point in that book was to demonstrate the black/white/gray in all of us, and that it varies from person to person. Sometimes watching a movie/reading a book where the characters do something controversial can really get you thinking about how you'd handle a particular situation (thinking of a movie here, can't remember the title--where the rich guy offers the couple a cool million if he can spend a night with the wife). These stories get the wheels turning, and make you see different sides of the coin. Maybe even the edges!

But there are lines we don't want to cross.

I recently reviewed a submission where the heroine cheats on her fiance while she's out of town. And gets in a huff when he shows up on her trip and suspects something. And never tells him! Yeah, wasn't liking that character very much. That's one of those "lines" in my mind. Now, if the character's actions are led up to with sympathetic actions and feelings, and there's a reason behind what they do, I can still read something like this. Doesn't mean I'll condone the actions, but it might be worth a read. However, if she does this just because she "can"? Big no from me, and I can't see reviewers liking it either.

Got another submission where the hero murders people who get in the way of what he wants. Thanks to synopses, I never cracked that one open.

Someone else might like those stories--I don't know. Both of them are so far across my "lines" that I don't really care how good the writing is.

Have you seen a movie or read a book where the main characters did something too "bad" for you?

Piper Denna
Romance is sexy!

Ah, I needed to hear that!

So now I see I'm not the only one who has this issue. This is an entry from the Urban Dictionary, about the auto correct feature on iPhones:

Auto Incorrect: When the auto-correct feature on your iPod Touch or iPhone tries to correct your spelling, but instead changes it to words that just don't make sense with what you're typing.

Oh yeah. I really love my iPhone, but I suspect my pal eA gets more laughs from my auto incorrect foibles than she does from my intentionally humorous texts. At least in my new software update, it now allows me to nix the correction (if I notice in time). The old program would keep correcting as many times as I'd keep typing. And sometimes the words it substitutes are so freaking outlandish, I have to wonder who is behind the program! Some of our more frequently subbed-in words are now standard lingo:

• "hell" becomes "he'll". Without fail. Sometimes I'll keep resending and it'll keep correcting until I end up dropping the f-bomb
• "shit" becomes "shut". Which we usually just type now for fun. "Sick of so much shut in my mailbox! Junkmail. WTF?"
• "eww" becomes "ewe". This one really puzzles me. How common is it in text lingo to use the word "ewe"? No, seriously. It accepts all the common text abbreviations, no problem. And I know "eww" is not an official word, but... ewe? Do we have lots of sheep-related texting happening? My guess is AT&T doesn't have outstanding coverage in most sheepranch areas. But that could just be a guess. Sometimes I use "ewe" on purpose now. Other times I just drop the f-bomb.
• "Oy" becomes "it". Don't ask me why. But if I don't catch it before I send it, eA usually ends up with a "he'll" also. Or the f-bomb.
  

Interestingly enough, all derivatives of the f-bomb (past, present, participle, gerund, verb, noun) are left completely alone by iPhone's auto incorrect feature. At least somebody at Apple knew what they were doing the day they put this program together!

Piper Denna
Romance is sexy!

Destiny Chimes

A few years ago, I bought a rag-tag, rusty windchime from a yard sale somewhere. It had farm animals on it, and seemed cute.

Never mind the fact that its cows are the same size as its ducks...it was quaint. It always hung kinda weird though--it has 2 chains at the top, and something seemed, well... missing.

Flash forward to last month when we chose a new place to live. Out front under the spruce tree was part of a windchime. Rusty, with the same types of little bells. Only it was obvious this was only part of a set. Just one lone kitty.

So in the process of moving in (taking a break from the boring inside office/desk part of unpacking... I'm still on that break, by the way...) I decided to go hang up my outside stuff on the back deck.

And guess what? My old chimes had been missing the top all this time. The top has one bigger chain to hang it by... and it's a kitty. Which connects to my cows and such. This top piece appears to be the missing part of the set I've had for several years. (insert Twilight Zone theme)

So here's the finished product (expertly re-united using floral wire).



I like the kitty at the top, too... cats love to be up high. Still, every time I look at it, I can't help thinking how the parts came to be together. Some things are just meant to be, right?

Have a great day.

Autumn Piper
Got romance?

A Revelation

Call it a lightbulb moment, call it an "aha moment" as my friend Oprah--who still emails me several times a week--does. Either way, it was a Revelation in Parenting.

As I was leaving the middle school office yesterday and chatting with two other moms of both boys and girls, we were wondering which are tougher to raise through adolescence. None of us could decide, but as we discussed mood swings, hormone surges, and behavior shifts, I recognized the difference in the sexes. So here it is:

Boys get moody just as often as girls, but when something is bothering them, you have no idea what it is (I think a cranky teen boy could withstand Chinese water torture when "clammed up"). But girls? When something has upset a girl (small or big), everybody within a 5 mile radius hears about it (see drama).

So that's it. Most of the rest of it is the same, except girls do have lots more little stuff (see accessories) they need to pack up or apply before leaving the house, causing dads to blow gaskets.

Have a great weekend,

Autumn Piper
Got Clearasil?